H u m o r A r c h i v e s
March 2001
Tee time
Q. How can you tell a preacher is about to give a short sermon?
A. Their golf shoes show.
Some church definitions
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Cheap air conditioning. 2. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Rescue Me
Two people are marooned on a desert island. One of them is standing at the water’s edge, gazing into the distance with a distraught and worried face. The other person is sitting back against a palm tree, perfectly relaxed. "Don’t worry," he says, "I know we’ll be found soon. My church pledge is due this week."
Hymns for People over 40
The Old Rugged Face
Precious Lord Take My Hand (and help me get up)
It is Well With my Soul (but my back hurts)
Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Amazing Grace (considering my age)
Just a Slower Walk with Thee
Count Your Many Birthdays (name them one by one)
Go Tell it on the Mountain (and please speak up)
Give Me That Old Timers Religion
Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I’ve forgotten where I’ve parked)
The Harold's Prayer
A daddy, listening to his child's prayer, heard "Dear Harold." At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, How come you called God, Harold?" The little boy looked up and said, "That’s what they call him in church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name.'"
Child's Plea
A young child wrote this note to his pastor:
Dear Father:
I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate on Sunday, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you give a sermon about a raise in my allowance? It would help the church get more
money!
Atheist Meets Monster
Once, an atheist was fishing on Loch Ness in Scotland. Just as he threw out his line, the Loch Ness Monster broke the surface and capsized his boat. Fearing this was the end of his life, the frightened man cried out, “Oh God, help me!” Just as the man said this, time stood still: the water calmed, the monster became immobile and the boat stopped sinking. “You have some nerve,” said a voice from the heavens. “You have been an atheist for 25 years and now in your time of need you ask me, God Almighty, for help.” “Aw, come on and cut me some slack,” cried the atheist. “Up until five minutes ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster, either!”
—
via St. David's Episcopal Church
Austin, Texas
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