H u m o r A r c h i v e s
February 2001
New Church Bloopers
Here are more of those pesky little typos that cause even the most pious among us to giggle in church.
• The third verse of “Blessed Assurance” will be sung without musical accomplishment.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy!”
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
• The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!”
• The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
• Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
• Due to the rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
• Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
They’re Taking the Scenic Route
Remember those commercials for the world’s largest software company? “Where do you want to go today?” was the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, “Confutatis Maledictis” from Mozart’s Requiem played in the background. The chorus goes something like this: “Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis,” which translates to “The damned and accursed are convicted to the flames of hell!”
Sunday Kids
As they were on their way to church service, the Sunday school teacher asked her little children, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping!” The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. The teacher asked if anyone could quote the last one. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and proclaimed, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!"
A mother had been teaching her three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. After repeating the prayer with her for several evenings, the youngster decided to "go solo." The mother listened with pride as the child carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen!"
Comparative Religion
And God said "Let there be light (bulbs)." So just how many ___s does it take to change a light bulb?
(a) Charismatics – Only one. Hands already in the air anyway.
(b) Catholics – none. They use candles.
(c) Baptists – CHANGE??!!??!!
(d) Pentecostals – Ten. One to change; nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
(e) Presbyterians – None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
(f) Episcopalians – Ten. One to change the bulb; nine to say how much they liked the old one.
(g) United Methodists – We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ. Amen.
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